Peppermint Tea

i feel sad because my turquoise dress is drenched and hanging now on the silver handle of my shower door... i washed it clean after seeing blood stains down the back. i never stain when i have my periods. i stain when my butt is bleeding, which happens. so. was trying to recall when the last time i wore it was, it'd been a while. i usually wear my turquoise dress pretty often, it felt like i hadnt worn it in a few weeks. thought about it and remembered that the last time i wore it was on that thursday at sulin's Shop and then later to old changi hospital. i dont remember my butt bleeding, or do i? there is a possibility, a hint, or would that be my imagination? i have a memory of me feeling for wetness, but was it that night? i cant remember. i remember a bruise on my knee next morning. i dont know how that got there. prob through swinging myself o'er the gate and not feeling any hurt.

so. i really wanted to wear my turquoise dress today for lunch. was pretty happy because i felt like a Turquoise Fairy and i wanted to show that to all the world. i told mom about my dress being wet and how that was Schade, i said, "(i know, but) i was just in the mood for it, you know what i mean?"

she said, "i know. grow up." 

i hate it when she says that. ...it stung. it felt like a million needles piercing through my heart. i think it's because mom doesnt get what i mean, how i feel, she doesnt understand me and she thinks im just a child. mostly, however, i realise it's because im always wishing i could have meaningful diana-conversations with my mom and be close friends with her, like some people manage, and im always trying, trying, trying, but it never works out. case in point: turquoise fairyness

im going to have to dig something else out, hoping that something will work just as well. cold rock heart in my chest in any case. 

generally depressed and outer dreams of a fantasyland, captured in candy, fairtops and magic

coincidences happen. thinking about you because of jam. but reading twenty-sixth january and not realising it was as recent as today... maybe just now, (or just then) i couldnt know. i could never know anything because i can misread, misinterpret and misunderstand, just as you couldnt know anything, but i always make it much too obvious, so that's cancelled. i feel awful. is just my mood and the events, time, circumstances. i feel dazed and in a haze, in a trance, not there about me. will be better, i know. 

I See You. 

(nun, und nur nun, dass alles vorbei ist) 

i like challenging people. in particular, their stares. for example, when someone is staring at me as they walk past, i dont pretend not to notice or look straight ahead, i challenge their stare by engaging in the eye-contact and staring back with a confident, "yes, i know you're looking at me. and so?" i think it shocks them somewhat, that im actually confronting the situation and acknowledging the stare. 

anyway, about adam lambert, i love him. i love how he is himself and doesnt bend to society's shallow ways. it's so easy to be a people-pleaser but so much more awesome to be someone who stands up for his beliefs, to be uniquely yourself and make no excuses. but besides that, he has a pretty good point, though not that i would have expected anything less, of course: female performers have been doing this for years- pushing the envelope about sexuality -and the minute a man does it, everybody freaks out. ...indeed, there was lady gaga before lambert and there wasnt so much of an uproar there. also, about the crotch thing, didnt michael jackson slip his hand under his pants doing dirty diana? (pun) im all for artistic freedom, yes i am. for a second, i almost wished adam lambert could chance upon these words and know there's someone out there with him, but then, i realised, he's confident enough to stand by himself regardless of support. keep on keeping on, whitby would say.